


Confidence By The Inch

by orphan_account



Category: Heroes of Olympus - Fandom, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Boys Being Boys, Chatting & Messaging, Dick Jokes, F/M, Hanging Out, M/M, Online Friendship, Pesterlog, Talking, bros being bros, kinda?? its like that sort of format, talking bout their dicks and shit, yep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 10:06:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7098361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="dave">UM: but now im curious </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="terezi">SB: about what</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dave">UM: about who has the biggest dick </span>
</p><p> </p><p> In which a misunderstanding leads to Leo's crushed confidence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confidence By The Inch

**Author's Note:**

> rip me this literally took A G E S to format  
> omg mad props to homestuck fic writers  
> maybe someday i'll post my homestuck fics or update my other fics but today is not that day  
> so take this shitpost of a fanfic in the meantime  
> this is basically me practicing for my future olympusstuck fic (which is gonna be wicked sweet) with bad humor and dick jokes  
> anyways you can ask me abt shit and just talk to me [on my blog](http://luciferslittlekitten.tumblr.com/) because im desperate for friends and want to know your feedback :')
> 
> EDIT: as of june 5th this fanfic hit 413 views and i feel like that's something worth applauding

\--  timberZoologist [TZ] began pestering “bootylicious bad boiz” -- 

  
  


TZ: Hey, guys! Me and Hazel just got back from my conference in Australia. 

TZ: We just got back from the airport last night, but I was way too tired to tell you. 

TZ: It went pretty well.

TZ: Sorry about not being able to talk much lately, it’s been so busy.  

  
  


\--  seaweedBrain [SB] began pestering “bootylicious bad boiz” --

  
  


SB: sweet

SB: how was it down there anyways

SB: what did u two do 

TZ: We visited this cool ass park called  Tjapukai Aboriginal. 

TZ: And went snorkeling. 

TZ: There were some sweet bars and restaurants too. 

SB: damn 

SB: when you arent so jetlagged were gonna have to make up for the guys nights you missed dude 

SB: we didn’t have grover either since hes in europe on his weird spiritual trip or whatever

SB: i mean he never drinks but hes the designated driver 

SB: we had to get nico to be the dd these past two weeks

SB: i dont really know why hes on a spirtual trip in europe as opposed to one here 

SB: spiritual*

SB: guys one of my best friends but hes weird as fuck 

TZ: Yeah, I’m looking forward to seeing you all again. 

TZ: Also, what the hell did you all name the chat? 

 

\-- timberZoologist [TZ] renamed the chat “bootylicious bad boiz” to “Why don’t I have normal friends?” --

  
  


\--  imperialPraetor [IP] began pestering “Why don’t I have normal friends?” -- 

 

IP: hey, guys. 

IP: oh, and welcome back, frank! 

TZ: Glad to be back. Hey, did Piper get that modeling position Hazel was flipping out about? 

IP: she did, actually! 

IP: it’s only a side job right now, but who knows where she’ll be in a few years? 

IP: never in a million years did i think that one day i’d be with a model. 

IP: this is like all of my thirteen-year-old fantasies come to life. 

SB: psssh 

SB: everyone knows that models are vain stupid cunts 

IP: excuse you. 

IP: only i can call my girlfriend a vain, stupid cunt, thank you very much! 

SB: damn does pipes get off on humiliation

IP: i don’t know, percy, does annabeth get off on dissatisfaction? 

SB: that was rude and uncalled for and frankly im somewhat offended

  
  


\--  ultimateMcshizzle [UM] began pestering “Why don’t I have normal friends?” -- 

  
  


UM: ay franky

UM: welcome back to the land of the living 

UM: thought youd get tramped on by a kangaroo or some shit while you were down under

SB: bets were really on the table tbh looks like we both owe nico ten buckaroos 

  
  


\--  ultimateMcshizzle [UM] renamed the chat “Why don’t I have normal friends?” to “look at this noodle ass motherfucker trying to disgrace our squad name lmao” --

  
  


\--  timberZoologist [TZ]  renamed the chat “look at this noodle ass motherfucker trying to disgrace our squad name lmao” to “That’s racist, asshole.” --

 

IP: can you guys stop passively aggressively naming the chat? 

IP: frank just had a very important-to-his-career conference in australia we should be congratulating him. 

UM: no 

 

\--  ultimateMcshizzle [UM] renamed the chat “That’s racist, asshole.” to “fuck u jason u arwnt my mom” -- 

  
  


\--  ultimateMcshizzle [UM] renamed the chat “fuck u jason u arwnt my mom” to “fuck u jason u arent my mom” -- 

 

TZ: Leo, stop acting like you’re five. 

UM: when you stop disgracing our squad 

SB: frank we decided on this name a while ago

TZ: No, I’m fairly certain that you guys just started calling us that without my awareness and it caught on while I was gone. 

TZ: I didn’t agree to shit. 

UM: jesus frank language 

UM: your jailbait lookin ass girlfriend wouldnt appreciate that language 

TZ: It’s just Frank. Drop the Jesus, thank you. 

UM: fuck you and your stupid shitty commas 

 

\--  ultimateMcshizzle [UM] has changed his mood to DISTRAUGHT >:( -- 

 

TZ: I swear, Leo. 

 

\--  imperialPraetor [IP] has banned  ultimateMcshizzle [UM]  and  timberZoologist [TZ] \-- 

 

IP: there. 

IP: you guys are like babies. 

IP: it’s silenced for the next few hours or so. 

SB: fuck yeah

SB: me and jacey are the dynamic duo 

SB: power couple 

SB: best thing since angelina jolie and brad pitt 

SB: wouldnt u agree jbird

SB: tbh i would look waaaaaayyyy better than pipes in lingerie any day 

SB: plus my dick game is strong af 

 

\--  imperialPraetor [IP] has banned  seaweedBrain [SB]  \-- 

  
  


IP: sure, yeah. 

  
  


\--  imperialPraetor [IP] ceased pestering “fuck u jason u arent my mom” -- 

  
  


\--  imperialPraetor [IP] began pestering “fuck u jason u arent my mom” -- 

  
  


\--  imperialPraetor [IP] renamed the chat “fuck u jason u arent my mom” to “Bootylicious Bad Boiz” --

  
  


\--  imperialPraetor [IP] has ceased pestering “Bootylicious Bad Boiz” -- 

  
  
  
  


\--  imperialPraetor [IP] began pestering “Bootylicious Bad Boiz” -- 

  
  


\--  imperialPraetor [IP] unbanned  ultimateMcshizzle [UM] ,  timberZoologist [TZ] , and  seaweedBrain [SB] \-- 

 

IP: are you guys ready to act like grown ups? 

 

\--  seaweedBrain [SB] began pestering “Bootylicious Bad Boiz” --

 

SB: i didnt even do anything grace wtf 

IP: sorry, perce. 

IP: you were annoying me, too. 

IP: i have a sadistic to feel power over my friends.

IP: especially my possibly gay friends who want me to fuck them in lingerie.

SB: kinky (; 

IP: don’t make me ban you again. 

 

\--  ultimateMcshizzle [UM] began pestering “Bootylicious Bad Boiz” -- 

 

IP: you ready to behave, leo? 

UM: god dont make it sound so weird and strangely kinky

UM: percy is right youre fucked

UM: screw you and your weird sadistic needs

UM: like youre my daddydom after issuing me a hard spanking

UM: im fine daddy

UM: nothing even happened you just went full little bitch mode and silenced us

UM: thats unamerican 

UM: commie scum 

IP: please, don’t ever compare me to a communist daddydom ever again. 

SB: i dunno it seems strangely fitting tbh 

IP: don’t. 

 

\--  timberZoologist [TZ] began pestering “Bootlylicious Bad Boiz” -- 

 

TZ: Heyo. 

UM: hey 

IP: hi, frank. 

SB: yo 

SB: so are u two done with ur fighting 

SB: bc i dont want to deal with that 

UM: nah

UM: i dont have the energy to roast frank like a pig on a fucking spit anymore

UM: get that pork real juicy and tender 

UM: before dropping that into the burning coals and burning the shit out of it 

UM: roasted like that colombian coffee 

UM: goddamned latinos better get back to work if they want their two cents an hour

UM: damn no wonder theyre all selling cocaine

TZ: Did you just compare me to a pig? 

UM: you know it

UM: and that pig wouldve been so juicy and tender and now its all burnt

UM: those starving latino kids probably wept because of it

IP: since when did you care about the third world, leo? 

UM: since i saw those sad commercials about the big-eyed black kids with their ribcages showing 

SB: i think the one with the dogs in the pounds are sadder

UM: this isnt about you dammit

UM: this is about those poor ugly black kids 

SB: what about the poor cute black dogs

SB: frank tell me that you would rather help the animals than the black kids in africa 

TZ: I’ve done both? 

TZ: I pretty much help animals as a job, and I went on a mission last year to help build wells in Zimbabwe. 

UM: did we ask you mr goody two shoes 

UM: no one cares that you built wells in zimbabwe 

 

\--  seaweedBrain [SB] renamed the chat “Bootylicious Bad Boiz” to “leo is saltier than daddy jason” -- 

 

IP: don’t fucking do this shit, percy.

SB: (; 

SB: but daddy jason 

IP: no. 

SB: but daddddddddddyyyyyy

IP: shut it, percy.

SB: ); 

UM: is that a sad winky face

UM: i didnt know that was a thing

TZ: They’re not. 

TZ: I don’t think. 

SB: well i just made it a thing so fuck off 

 

\-- ultimateMcshizzle [UM] renamed the chat “leo is saltier than daddy jason” to “fist me daddy jason” -- 

 

IP: i swear to god. 

IP: i don’t deserve this shit. 

IP: why does god let this stuff happen? 

SB: ur an athiest tho 

SB: atheist* 

IP: why does god allow such things to happen to me, a wonderful and faithful believer. 

SB: ur an atheist

IP: i need holy water.

SB: jason ur such a fake christianity fan 

IP: excuse you, percy, I happen to think that jesus is my lord and savior. 

IP: thy holy father

UM: youre my holy daddy jason ;)

IP: i swear to god.

TZ: Speaking of Christianity!

UM: we were speaking about christianity 

SB: kinda

TZ: Hazel’s hosting a bake sale for the church 

TZ: You guys wanna help? 

UM: what really

UM: serving cake and cookies to suburban families

UM: or watching netflix with my girlfriend

UM: damn dude i really cant decide 

SB: i thought your girlfriend put you on probation 

UM: well

UM: i mean

UM: i guess

v\UM: but im a master in the art of seduction 

IP: leo, that’s a load of bullshit and you know it. 

UM: shut up dude

UM: i got this shit in the bag 

UM: she aint gonna know what hit her

UM: well i mean she will know what hit her because it will be me

UM: im gonna be hitting her 

UM: not like beating her

UM: but like fucking her

TZ: We get it, Leo. 

UM: right just making sure

UM: dont need the police creepin up on me 

SB: look dude we know you arent hitting your girlfriend 

SB: she wouldnt take that shit from anyone 

SB: i would know

UM: hey when the fuck are you gonna stop pointing out that you dated calypso before me 

SB: lmao never 

IP: guys, shut up about calypso.

UM: rude 

TZ: Are you guys helping or not? 

IP: i’d love to help, frank.

IP: i’m sure piper will help out, too. 

SB: ehhhhh i might help 

UM: damn if the whole frickin squad is joining in i dont wanna be that one asshole

UM: ugh ill help

TZ: Great! Thanks!

TZ: Oh, I gotta know one thing though. 

SB: yeah go ahead

UM: shoot 

TZ: Okay. 

TZ: What are your sizes?

IP: ...sizes? 

TZ: Yes. 

TZ: I just need to know how big you guys are. 

UM: dude wtf

IP: why do you need to know..? 

IP: how does this apply to church?

TZ: What do you mean? I’m asking everyone, dude. I have to know for everyone attending. 

UM: what 

UM: frank

UM: you creep

TZ: What? 

TZ: This is a normal question. 

SB: i mean like in what sense? 

SB: because i aint small 

UM: inches? 

UM: centimeters? 

UM: cubic feet?

IP: why? 

TZ: Can I just know? Jeez. 

SB: like half mast or?

UM: yeah id have to measure if you wanted to know 

IP: how big are you, frank?

UM: well if the old stereotypes prove true…

TZ: You guys see me everyday! 

TZ: How don't you know? 

TZ: Oh. Oh lord. 

TZ: I meant shirt size!

TZ: We’re wearing shirts for the bake sale, and Hazel’s designing them!

IP: oh.

SB: ohhhhh

UM: oh

TZ: My God! Why did you immediately jump to the conclusion of dicks?! 

SB: well in hindsight you didnt say that u werent talking about diddly dangs

UM: yeah dude you could have totally meant our schlongs

SB: meat cylinder of pleasure 

UM: ass annihilater

UM: an ass-assin if you will 

IP: the special sausage. 

IP: the bologna pony. 

SB: dna rifle 

IP: cocksicle 

UM: pump action yogurt shotgun

IP: that was good, damn. 

UM: thanks 

UM: i thrive off dick jokes

TZ: For the love of Christ. 

TZ: Stop. 

UM: alright fineee

UM: but now im curious 

SB: about what

UM: about who has the biggest dick 

IP: leo… 

TZ: Leo, don’t do this.

UM: what its a valid thing to think 

UM: dont tell me you havent thought about it 

TZ: I haven’t! 

UM: perce? 

SB: idk maybe once or twice 

TZ: I can’t believe you guys. 

TZ: Jason? 

IP: …

IP: maybe once? 

UM: see 

UM: look maybe we should just 

UM: i dunno

SB: come out about it? 

UM: yeah 

IP: how would we know who’s lying? 

IP: someone could say one thing and the other guy could lie to one up him.

IP: besides, wouldn’t we have to get hard to measure our actual dick size?

SB: i mean

SB: technically yeah

UM: wait so do we all have to rub one out and measure our fucking boners

IP: i guess? 

SB: pretty much 

TZ: No. 

UM: come on frank

UM: dont tell me youre scared of being beat 

TZ: Bad time for that saying. 

TZ: But I’m not searching for validation from you guys because of my dick size. 

TZ: What are you, twelve? 

UM: okay look man

UM: you can pussy out

UM: but that just means were all gonna assume youve got the smallest dick 

UM: i mean you are asian 

TZ: Racist much, Valdez? 

UM: oh shove it ching chong

SB: frank look we dont have to tell anyone about this

IP: we could queue a message so we couldn’t lie? 

UM: all of you swear on your life you wont lie 

SB: swear 

IP: i swear i won’t lie. 

UM: i swear 

UM: yadda yadda whatever

IP: i think we have to say it outloud.

SB: okay i did 

UM: same

UM: frank? 

TZ: I’m not doing this. 

UM: frank are you scared of losing

UM: dont be a bitch 

TZ: This is childish. 

SB: dude its not like were gonna tell anyone

IP: he doesn’t have to, guys. 

UM: i guess not

UM: but hes a baby if he doesnt 

SB: frank come on man 

SB: swear we wont tell anyone about this 

TZ: … 

TZ: Fine. 

UM: atta boy 

UM: when do we queue the message for 

IP: 5:45 

IP: that gives us all roughly six minutes to do whatever the hell we need to. 

IP: you all have measuring equipment?

SB: yeah brb ill find some

UM: yea

TZ: Why are we doing this?

IP: relax, frank.

IP: it is kind of weird, but hey, friends are friends

TZ: I don’t think friends compare dick sizes. 

IP: maybe not, but we’re just special friends. 

IP: [http://tinyurl.com/j555tcz](http://tinyurl.com/j555tcz)

UM: now is not the time for your memes 

 

\--  seaweedBrain [SB]  had queued a message -- 

 

SB: okay i logged it 

  
  


\--  ultimateMcshizzle [UM] queued a message -- 

 

UM: there we go 

IP: one sec… 

 

\--  imperialPraetor [IP] has queued a message -- 

 

\--  timberZoologist [TZ] has queued a message -- 

 

TZ: Ugh, it's so uncomfortable to think about what we're fucking doing as a collective. This is like indirect cyber sex.

 

[queued message]  SB: 6.4ish

[queued message] UM: 5 ½ 

[queued message]  IP: 7 

[queued message] TZ: around 6 

UM: fuck me 

TZ: We’re literally .5 inches apart, Leo. 

UM: yea but my pride is absolutely demolished 

UM: fuck 

SB: yo jason buddy how the fuck u got seven inches over here

SB: im two years older than ya

SB: are u one a those guys who clicks on those penis lengthening ads on porn sites

IP: chill out, guys.

IP: and no. 

IP: maybe it's my birthright. 

IP: who knows how big my dad was.

IP: except my mom. but even if i still talked to her I wouldn't ask her that. 

IP: must be genetic. 

UM: then how big is thalias dick

SB: oh shit lmao

IP: shut up. 

IP: assholes. 

IP: i’m trying to compliment your dicks.

UM: gaaaaaaay

SB: it aint gay if the balls dont touch

TZ: I thought it wasn't gay if you said no homo...

IP: you guys know. 

IP: no homo is a useless phrase to use in front of me, as i am his royal bi-ness

IP: as you all should very well know. 

IP: at least I’m pretty damn certain you do. 

TZ: We're joking, you know.

SB: yeah remember you came out to us and then started crying because you were so happy to have support and then you tripped over the couch and broke my new lamp

SB: and it was a cool lamp too 

SB: and it was expensive 

SB: fucking loved that lamp 

SB: it had like mood light settings 

SB: it was sexy as shit 

SB: well idk i thought it was sexy as shit but annabeth hatd it 

SB: hated** 

SB: rip lamp 

SB: you will be missed 

UM: i remember that 

UM: good times

IP: i was a little tipsy that night. 

IP: sorry for crying, haha… 

SB: tipsy? 

SB: bro you were hammered

SB: i dont blame you 

TZ: Hey, wasn't that the night I had to knock Leo out before he started committing arson?

IP: yeah. 

SB: yep

UM: i wouldve been fine 

UM: i have self control

UM: damn i had a bruise for weeks

SB: you couldve gone to jail dude

SB: you were drunk you didnt know what you were doing

SB: frank saved you

TZ: A win-win, you're not in prison and I got to punch you. 

SB: lmao leo wouldn't last an hour in prison

UM: excuse you 

IP: you'd get turned out, man. 

IP: like real fucking quick too. 

IP: 25 years without parole. 

IP: like father like son.

TZ: Jason, that was uncalled for.

SB: holy shiiit

SB: smackdown

UM: you wanna talk shit white boy 

UM: fine

UM: whatever 

UM: lets say were even 

UM: it was kinda payback for the thalia thing 

UM: so we good

SB: speaking of your sisters cock

TZ: What. 

SB: what were you gonna say about our dicks

UM: make fun of them for being smaller than yours? 

TZ: You guys are insecure as hell. 

IP: no!!

IP: god, guys, you don't have to be huge to be a good partner.

UM: this is so gay

SB: stfu leo let jason get his penispiration out of his system 

SB: or else we wont ever hear the end of it 

TZ: Penispiration? 

SB: yes 

SB: inspiration for your penis

SB: get with the times zhang

IP: shut it, losers. 

IP: anyways, 

IP: size doesn’t matter fully, just what you can do with what you’re given. 

IP: and girth plays a factor! 

UM: wait so how fucking thick are you mr. porn star man 

IP: i don't know the exact numbers. 

SB: are you thicker than us too

TZ: I swear, if you make me measure again, I’m actually going to die of shame. 

TZ: This is the worst thing I’ve done ever. 

SB: wait were going again 

IP: are we? that’s not really what i meant by that..

UM: no its fuckin on 

TZ: How insecure are you, Leo? 

UM: rude

TZ: Just asking. 

TZ: Let’s just stop doing this, guys. 

IP: yeah, leo. 

IP: it doesn’t matter. 

SB: are you sure it doesnt matter jbae 

IP: positive. 

UM: how positive 

IP: as positive as your mom’s fucking hiv status, leo. 

SB: savage 

UM: fuck you jason 

TZ: Are you three going to stop arguing like middle schoolers and actually contribute to a conversation? 

SB: well we were having a conversation

TZ: About your dicks. 

UM: yours too buddy boy 

TZ: Welp. 

TZ: I mean, yeah. 

IP: let’s forget we ever talked about this. 

IP: let’s just leave it at the fact that now we know how big each other’s dicks are and we can be contented in such knowledge. 

SB: jason like i dont wanna be rue or anything 

SB: but youre really fucking gay 

SB: rude**

IP: ;-) 

SB: (; 

TZ: Please do not do this here. 

UM: frank is a fucking homophobe 

UM: disgusting 

TZ: Leo…

TZ: [http://tinyurl.com/jn452zm](http://tinyurl.com/jn452zm)

SB: wait fuck frank did you just meme 

SB: i feel like i should be documenting this 

SB: this is historical 

SB: rip leo 

UM: look… 

UM: ive had a long day 

UM: my girlfriend wont sleep with me 

UM: i burned my grilled cheese that i made when i woke up at 3 pm because ive lost control of my life 

UM: and then i find out my dick is the smallest amongst my friends

UM: i need a minute 

IP: you can take all the minutes you need, leo.  IP: we’ll be here for you always. 

UM: you really are fucking gay jason 

 

\-- ultimateMcshizzle [UM] has ceased pestering Bootylicious Bad Boiz -- 

 

SB: so

SB: like 

SB: lowkey im still wondering abt the girth thing 


End file.
